Friendship can add years to your life—and improve your health and experiences.

For example, in older women, the support of a friend was the most successful predictive factor in lifelong exercise. In a cohort study in Scotland, the number and intensity of friends in childhood predicted the adult health status of an individual and on into later life.

Social support is an important aspect of friendships. Having just one friend to confide in moderated the negative effects of losing a spouse, lowering the rate and duration of depression and sick days.

In one meta-analysis of 148 studies, having face-to-face social connections resulted in an at least 50% greater likelihood of longer life and less morbidity when compared to those less connected socially.

Better yet, friendships are more modifiable than family relationships, which might be good in some cases, and are more predictive of good health than having good relations with your family or children.

What makes friendship so powerful?

There are two theories:

  • The first is the “social capital” theory of friendship. Social capital promotes health through resources that flow between interconnected members of a social support system.
  • The second theory is that friendships trigger deep psychological mechanisms that promote feelings of competence and perceived control that lead us to better health.

Both theories are plausible. Most important, the ability to make and maintain friendships with others results in a support structure with the tangible benefits of a healthier lifestyle, whatever that may be.

What can you do to get on the “friendship train”?

Here are six steps you can take to make friends and strengthen your existing friendships:

  1. Accumulation. One study estimates that if you spend 40-60 hours with someone in the first six weeks of meeting them, you will turn that person into a casual friend. At 80-100 hours, that person will become more than a casual friend. Friendships logically occur in places where you spend a lot of time: school, work, church, sports, etc.
  2. Attention. Paying attention goes a long way toward forging friendships. So just show up and notice others. Think about them—and let them know you are thinking about them.
  3. Intention. Attention needs to be accompanied with action—doing things together. This is the hardest part of friendship. It takes energy and thought. Friendships take work.
  4. Ritual. Some things are easier when they are scheduled—a book club, a monthly hike, a regular dinner party, playing games. Schedule things with friends to make the friendship maintenance easier.
  5. Imagination. A friendship can be whatever you want it to be. Each friendship is a blank canvas, ready to be painted with your imagination.
  6. Grace. Sometimes life gets in the way of friendships. But friendships are elastic; they grow and bend over time, waxing and waning. The forgiveness and grace we experience in friendships allows the space for connections—and reconnections—that feel nothing short of miraculous.

Developing a circle of friends is especially powerful and can help you experience community.

These “restorative circles” have certain characteristics:

  • A high level of trust
  • Authenticity
  • Seeing the “whole rather than the parts”
  • Honoring each person’s story without judgements
  • Inquiry before advocacy
  • Encountering with genuine listening to understand rather than listening to respond

Finally, friendships are not spectator sports. You have to “be in there” and play. So get busy!

References

  • Mahzad Hojjat and Anne Moyer, eds., The Psychology of Friendship (Oxford University Press, 2016)
  • Carlos F. Mendes, “Why do friendships matter for survival?” Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health (2005): 59: 538-9
  • Julie Beck, “Six Forces that Fuel Friendship,” The Atlantic, June 10, 2022
  • Hazel Kight Witham, “The Power of Story: Jared Seide on how listening to each other can restore our humanity,” The Sun, June 2020