How our beliefs and behaviors can foster resilience

For years we’ve all been told that stress is bad for our health. But more recent research suggests that our perception of stress matters. Stress tends to be more harmful when combined with the belief that it impacts health. This is great news for not only our health, but our relationships, our work lives, and more.

Stanford health psychologist Kelly McGonigal suggests that stress can actually be used in positive ways to help us find meaning, connect, and care for others. There is evidence that resilience amidst stress can even contribute to positive, long-term health benefits.

It’s all about being intentional with your thoughts and how you process what’s happening. Here are some suggestions to practice.

5 questions to help you manage stress positively

1. Is my self-talk true?
If not, try reframing it. Give yourself some credit for your abilities and accomplishments. See mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. Overcoming the fear of failure is only accomplished by doing things you fear over and over again, resolving to bounce back, and learning throughout the process.

2. What’s the worst thing that could happen?
And what is the likelihood of that happening? These questions help you keep things in perspective: Remember, no matter how bad (or good) things are right now, they will change.

3. What can I control in this situation?
When managing stress, control is best applied in our self-management versus trying to manage others. This involves deeper awareness of our responses to stress, especially to any reactive behaviors that don’t improve the situation (or that make things worse). You can’t control circumstances, but you can control how you respond to them. Prioritizing our well-being practices, including fitness, self-care, sleep, diet, and meditation, also helps build resilience.

4. What can I do to influence this situation?
While you can’t control the circumstances or people surrounding a stressful situation, you can often influence them. Influence is the language of emotional intelligence. It converts stressful, potentially volatile situations into opportunities for growth and collective aspiration. However, to be effective and not controlling, your influence must be both authentic and highly relevant and important to others.

5. What do I have to accept here?
If control and influence are not generating the impact you hoped for, then you have to step back to discern what you need to accept. If you’re like most professionals, this can be challenging, because it goes counter to your ambitious action-orientation. However, when you can admit that investing additional energy, time, and other resources will not create an acceptable return, it frees you up to use those resources more effectively elsewhere.

Ultimately, stress is inevitable. Distress is usually the by-product of wasting energy by trying to control things you can only influence or accept. Take action on what you can control or influence, and more clearly face what you have to accept.

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